"You Sure Do Kiss Like a Cowboy!"

Last night, we gathered around the television to take part in our newly functioning Bad Movie Night Club. This club is just getting off the ground, with such hits as Silent Night, Deadly Night and Doctor Detroit starring a young Dan Akroyd.

This time around, we went with something slightly more iconic than the norm. I'm assuming we're all aware of the street tough Sylvester Stallone and the triple-threat herself, Dolly Parton? They team up in biggest flop of '84 to create the masterpiece Rhinestone.

Jake Farris (Parton) finds herself desperate to break her music contract with her sleazy club owner, (played by Ron Leibman, best remembered for his role as Rachel Green's dad on Friends.) The owner will do anything to keep his money making songstress in his clutches, until she up's the stakes with a bet. Jake boasts that she can turn anyone, she means anyone, into the next hit country music sensation. If she wins, she gets to break her contract. If she loses, she has to finish out her contract, tack on five extra years of servitude and allow her manager to have his way with her in the sack.

The manager picks out rough and tough cab driver Nick Martinelli (Stallone) as her next protege. As seemingly monolithic as he is and as determined to never step outside of the boundaries of the five boroughs, Nick easily agrees to let Dolly shape him into a country music sensation. What you think would be a simple "Eliza Doolittle gets a cowboy hat" story, it quickly becomes the musical journey of a New York man defending his state's honor by channeling the down home nature of Tennessee state.

This was no simple story. Rhinestone contains layers upon layers of back story, relationship struggles, gender, family ties, loyalty and stereotypes all with musical accompaniment. But the main message I seemed to pick out of this cinemagraphic hodpodge, was the issue of North vs. South. How many stereotypes can these writers, (ahem, including Stallone) make in such a short amount of time? Answer: Quite a few.

From Nick's Italian, speghetti-eating family, ("Papa lov'a da' meat-a-balls!") to Jake's toothless neighbors, we are face to face with a war yet to be settled and only music can pave the resolution. Featuring the hit song, "Stay Outta My Bedroom" and the dark and unsettling gem, "God Won't Get Ya," Dolly really spreads her wings to let us inside.

The film can basically be categorized as having two separate climaxes and lessons. Act 1: Defending the honor of your heritage through the power of music. Act 2: Coping with overnight fame and defending the honor of your lover. As you can imagine, Nick and Jake win at both music and love.

The final interpretation I'll make is this: North and South prove friends as made evidence by the final climax of the film. Stallone dresses as a shimmering silver cowboy and rides a galliant white horse through the streets of Manhattan to reclaim his love. City vs. Country meet in the middle long enough for the heartfelt duet, "Be There;" the perfect blend of what we love about both.

Proving, yet again, that love really does conquer all, Rhinestone will go down in my book as another optimistic jaunt through life. Only this time, Dolly made it look good.

10% Better Than You

Here's a little something that's been intriguing me lately.

It seems there have always been a number of commercials that advertise the greatness of their product through a series of equations and percentages. Now with 30% more moisture!

I understand the basic percentages with product volume. But what intrigues me lately, is the percentage of workability. Pores get a 10% deeper clean! What is this math based on, exactly? And what's your stasis? Bone?

Lost, We Have to Break Up.

You had me at hello, Lost.

From the pilot episode where you crashed your plane, I was on board. When you told me the island was a different type of island, I listened. When you told me the island could cure people, I didn't question you. When you told me polar bears were in the jungle, I nodded in recognition. When you had me believe there were Others, I feared for you. When you kidnapped innocent children, I thought for sure you'd tell me why.

You, Lost, have taken a turn. Time has alluded me in this place. Perhaps this is your fickle nature, Lost. For you certainly have duped me before. But no, Lost, no. This isn't a game anymore. Lives are at stake. I have questions that need answering. I was enticed with your teases, but now I realize you've masked reality with several shirtless men who know how to shoot weapons. I thought I could be okay with this.

We basked in the innocence of your camp fires, in your love triangles, in your father-son moments. We cheered you on when you took charge, when you fought for yourselves, when you faced your worldly problems. It wasn't that long ago, Lost, when I accepted the presence of monsters, of an unseen evil at work.

These days I'm faced with detonating Hydrogen Bombs, time travel and the hope that one day I'd understand how an entire land mass could shift with the turn of a wheel. You had me believe that you might explain something as unexplainable as the black smoke. It turns out what I thought was important is small compared to the task that lay before me.

That is why, Lost, I have to walk away. I know what you're thinking, "But, Katie, we're a season away." Lost, I'll watch your last season, but I won't be happy about it because you've had me believe that you're not going to give me answers. That one day, not too far from now, you'll end the entire series by telling me it was all a dream. That by some sheer twist of time and irony, it turns out that Vincent the Dog is actually the evil ruler of the island and somehow controls the fate of the planet on a whim.

We had some good times and you've thrown me a few curve balls. But for now, I'm going to treat you like the show you ought to be... Nothing more than whimsy of science fiction. I shall not hold my breath for you or cheer you on. You have to win me back, Lost. And flowers just aren't going to do it.