Immortality Never Looked So Good

I honestly don't know how to begin my thoughts on the movie Twilight. The first half of the movie was spent trying to figure out if I liked it. And up until the credits rolled, I wondered how long I'd have to wait until the sequel.

At the end of the day, it's a teen movie. But Katie Dulin has never been one to turn down a teen movie, especially when romance is involved. Especially if you throw in a dash of everlasting life and you know I'm pulling myself up to the table to try this.

Twilight arrived from Netflix and I found myself curled up in the dark, greatly anticipating what I felt I knew was coming. The inevitable scene where the hot Vampire bites his beloved and they can finally have the kind of love making that only immortality can bring.

While that scene never took place, a lot of other things did. Let's take for example, say, the rest of the plot. Edward Cullen, AKA Hotty McHotFangs, spends the first half of the movie telling Bella Swan he has to stay away from her. She's the most desirable prey to one that has given up the taste for human blood, referring to himself as a vegetarian of the Vampire world.

Bella has to be the most masochistic woman on the planet. This sexy Vampire does nothing but tell her he doesn't want to see her, to stay away from him.

"I'm a killer."

"I don't believe that."

"I can't be destroyed."

"I'm fine with that."

"Seriously...I will totally kill you."

"No, Edward. I'm into this."

I can't fully blame her. How cool would it be to date someone who fly?

Edward takes Bella home to meet the rest of his Vegetarian Vampire Family and the only thing they constantly remark on is how great she smells. Edward eventually has to lead her out of the room as his entire family is waiting down in the kitchen, ready to eat her.

Throughout the movie, Bella keeps suggesting that all of this pain could be over. We all know what the little tramp is hinting at. Just bite her already! Just make her one of your own! Just get down to pure Vampire physics here and whip out those pearly whites. Why, the first moment Edward laid eyes on Bella in Biology class, he had, (what I've been referring to) as a Vampire Hard-On. Seriously, he had to cover his mouth.

I laughed and laughed.

So here I am, a full day after watching Twilight and while I thought there were so many funny elements to this story, I can't get it out of my head. Perhaps it's the masochist in me that wants to see Bella finally succumb to the sweet death that lay in Edward's teeth. I hear tale of a werewolf fight in the sequel. Honestly, people, let's get down to brass taxes. I'm in this for the bodice ripping, let's get on with it.

If immortality is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Hertzfeldt Monday

I said I'd do these on Friday. But now I'm braindead and want to submit this as the only logical thought in my head, which of course is not logical. Thus highlighting what's happening in my brain space at the moment. Not a lot.



You Tube keeps suggesting I watch fishing videos, which I keep watching for some reason.

Feel the Rush!

The following is a scientific experiment based on the research conducted on the claimed 6-Hour Energy Shot. Don't be confused...this is not the 5-Hour Energy Shot, it's the 6.

While I'm quick to doubt the claims made by athletes on what works for them, I felt it was time to quell my opposition and instead decide for myself. Any good scientist will tell you that they need a lab partner. I chose the notable Greg Volk for the job. The two of us decided on a starting time and agreed to transcribe our findings from our separate laboratories.

Let me first describe what is being promised to us, the consumer. They tell us it will work blazing fast, that it contains zero sugar and from that, we will benefit from a no-sugar crash. These 2 oz contain only 5 calories, which leads me to question how it's able to squeeze in so many ingredients such as 1.6g of Blazing Focus, 460mg of Extreme Energy Tech and 3mg of Herbal Scorch.

I'm going to splice in our individual documented findings as well as instant messenger conversations to more appropriately give our readers a sense of its scientific affects. Buckle up.

Greg: (10:56 am) Initial Thoughts – the bottle is on fire. Fire’s energetic, right? Looking at the trademarked ingredients, it’s got “Blazing Focus,” “Extreme Energy Technology,” and “Herbal Scorch.” They lost me with that last one. Sounds like some sort of condition you’d pick up camping. New flavor “Blueberry Raspberry Blast!” What was the old flavor? Doesn’t matter now. Here we go…

Katie: (11:00 am) After I broke open the box containing the bottle of energy shot, I noticed it said, “Brace Yourself” behind the bottle. I’m not sure if this is a good sign or not. Needless to say, I’m bracing myself.

Greg: (11:02 am) The “easy open” tab is not… Smells like candy. Katie’s probably so pumped right now. Took it down in one shot. Doesn’t taste all that bad. Very sugary for something containing no sugar. I’m sure whatever it is instead has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals (that’s how you know it works!). Kind of like thick Kool Aid meets one of those plastic sleeve frozen popsicles. Let the energy begin…

Katie: (11:01 am) I’m still trying to open the bottle. I feel jittery at the thought of me feeling more jittery in a minute, so maybe my hands just don’t work. This should be interesting.

Greg: (11:10 am) Okay. I’m feeling something. Maybe it’s my hangover coffee buzz or an artificiallyflavored placebo, but something’s happening. I probably can’t emphasize enough how unscientific this is.

Katie: (11:07 am) That was tangy. Like cotton candy in liquid form mixed with what I liked about Triaminic as a kid. I didn’t so much shoot it, as I did sip it. I’ve never been able to shoot anything. I like to think that I enjoy tastes and need more time.

Greg: (11:11 am) Reinstalling Firefox. What the hell happened to all my bookmarks? Has nothing to do with this, but I thought you should know.

Katie: (11:14 am) I’m seeing spots.

bidnessgreg (11:15:03 AM): spots, huh?
KatieCDulin (11:15:20 AM): maybe i'm making this up. but shit feels weird.
bidnessgreg (11:15:32 AM): that sucks
bidnessgreg (11:15:41 AM): i too am feeling something
bidnessgreg (11:15:47 AM): but i think it may be in my head
KatieCDulin (11:15:47 AM): haha...maybe this wasn't a great idea.
bidnessgreg (11:16:04 AM): however, i think on the whole, it's a bunch of synthetic sugar
bidnessgreg (11:16:12 AM): and most likely nothing will happen
KatieCDulin (11:16:13 AM): yeah...it's way too tangy to not having something in it
bidnessgreg (11:16:33 AM): no sugar, no caffeine, no crash
bidnessgreg (11:16:37 AM): so what does it have?
KatieCDulin (11:16:44 AM): a lot of other shit.
bidnessgreg (11:16:46 AM): yeah
KatieCDulin (11:16:58 AM): how's your hangover?
bidnessgreg (11:17:17 AM): taking a back seat to my energy buzz!
KatieCDulin (11:17:37 AM): yeah, perhaps i should embrace this newfound jumpiness.
bidnessgreg (11:17:47 AM): let's assume this does work
bidnessgreg (11:17:55 AM): sitting at a desk is probably not the best use
KatieCDulin (11:18:03 AM): probably not. jogging? possibly.
bidnessgreg (11:18:09 AM): i think a brisk walk
bidnessgreg (11:18:10 AM): or dancing
KatieCDulin (11:18:14 AM): true
KatieCDulin (11:18:19 AM): both of these things i can do at lunch
bidnessgreg (11:18:24 AM): by the way, we should save this IM conversation and put it in our thing
KatieCDulin (11:18:31 AM): done and doner.
KatieCDulin (11:19:02 AM): now i have an overwhelming urge to sound more witty
bidnessgreg (11:19:20 AM): don't get too in your head
bidnessgreg (11:19:30 AM): you'll psyche yourself out
bidnessgreg (11:19:41 AM): just let the drink do the work, man
KatieCDulin (11:20:08 AM): let the soothing cotton candy-like synthetic taste wash over you
bidnessgreg (11:20:26 AM): i heard it intensifies it if you drink orange juice
KatieCDulin (11:20:48 AM): i think we just formed a new cult.
bidnessgreg (11:21:00 AM): a very productive cult
KatieCDulin (11:21:44 AM): one that includes a lot of organizing.

Greg: (12:02 pm) I just learned that Extreme 6 Hour Blast Off Energy Shot (I just decided I’m going to change the name each time since I can’t remember it anyway) has the caffeine equivalent of 2 cups of coffee (this makes it slightly less exotic). I’m definitely feeling the coffee jitters, and I can tell you the aftertaste of 6 Hour Hi-Powered NRG Liquid is equally as displeasing as that of coffee. Still contemplating what I’m going to do with my extra hour of energy. 5 Hour Energy Drink is for suckas! Remember that movie “I’m gonna git you sucka”? Do I hear “long-awaited sequel”? Okay, I’m going to stop typing now.

Katie: (12:00 pm) I’m becoming very aware of my surroundings. Like noises hurt. Someone’s duct taping a box together down the hall and it’s a lingering sound that I’m replaying over and over again. My heart is a racing a bit. Perhaps I should be doing what they’re doing on television. Like fishing or playing basketball. Sitting at your desk isn’t as conducive to an explosion of energy, as say, being in a race car.

Greg: (12:36 pm) Feeling mostly normal. Starting to think about what I’m going to have for lunch. Should probably be something high in calories and protein to keep up with my supercharged metabolism, on account of my ¼ Of A Day Power Pack Juice and all. I’m thinking burrito … or 12 oz. rib eye.

Katie: (12:16 pm) I think I’m inventing symptoms. Like my neck is itchy.

Katie: (12:38 pm) I slept 8 hours last night and woke up feeling pretty great. Right now, I feel like I’ve sat up all night drinking and I’ve replaced vital fluids with sugar as I way to mask a hangover that I don’t have. I don’t feel awesome and don’t so much feel like jogging this off as I do just simply not feeling this way anymore.

Greg: (1:42 pm) Turkey sandwich. Boring. I’m just going to go ahead and say I feel completely normal. Maybe I’ll have a caffeine crash later. I’m now realizing that the bottle says “no sugar crash…” but nothing about caffeine. Then again, now is normally when I enter a food coma and get depressed because it’s hours before I get to look forward to food again. (Yes, I use food like a drug). And right now I feel fine, so maybe my normal feeling is abnormal. That sound you just heard is your brain exploding.

Katie: (1:51 pm) An hour has passed without me noticing. I’ve done nothing productive but a failed attempt at a crossword puzzle, which isn’t a surprise as I’ve never been that great at crossword puzzles. I’ve waited too long to eat as this seems to given me the feeling that food isn’t necessary. It feels like my blood vessels have been replaced with sludge. But again that’s no surprise as I often forget to eat. Instead I replace common human needs with the ability to make poor choices….like this un-fun game of testing a 6 hour energy shot.

Greg: (2:48 pm) Yeah, I’m not going to make it. I’m gonna be in the Hudson. (Read: crashhhhhhh).

Katie: (2:35 pm) As long as I keep eating, I think I’ll make it through the next 3 hours.

Greg: (3:29 pm) Maybe some gum will help revive me. At only 5 calories per piece, it’s great when you want a boost but know you probably shouldn’t snack, or at least that’s what the “Biggest Loser” on NBC told me. (At least I haven’t lost my “edge.”)

Katie: (3:24 pm) I’ve run out of things to snack on…instead I’m focusing my efforts on compiling the data into a blog. This act has caused extreme fatigue and I’m finding it difficult to spell words correctly on the first try. So much for the focused energy they promised me. If I were driving a race car right now, I'd be dead.

Greg: (4:13 pm) I feel icky. Am I asleep yet?

Katie: (4:24 pm) I’m becoming mentally aware that I’m nearing the end of this 6 hours of suck. My ears are ringing. I’m going home soon to revaluate my decisions.

Greg: (4:25 pm) I am NOT tired.

Katie: (4:35 pm) I saw they're making 80 hour Energy mouth sprays. I hope they eventually make life-long energy drinks. I wonder if anyone has died from this. I hope it's not me.

Greg: (4:47 pm) Was that only 6 hours? It felt like 12. I need a naps.

Katie: (4:50 pm) I'm staring at the words "Dietary Supplement" on the box. Next time I'm just drinking a sixer and swallowing a box of razors. Goodnight.

My Heightened Fear of Cats

I've always been a bit skittish around cats. You just don't know what they're thinking. From the whole "jump at any time" thing to the fact that they can claw you without notice.

I had quite a lovable cat named Toonces when I was little. She acted more like a dog than a cat. She cried at the door when she wanted to go to the bathroom. She would play fetch with bouncy balls. She slept at the foot of my bed and sat on my brother's shoulder when he'd walk around the house. Toonces was the best cat ever until it drank antifreeze out of my neighbor's car and we had to put her down. Forgive me if I'm bitter. No cat can compare to Toonces.

So I've put a wall around my pet-loving heart when it comes to cats. They're just so unpredictable. Not to mention haughty! I have to work for your affection? This is boring.

Last night I dreamt of a school for Cats with Disabilities. Only the point of view I was seeing it from, was behind the camera as this was apparently a fun-loving news report of this amazing school for Cats with Disabilities.

"Over here we have Mr. Whiskers." Mr. Whiskers had spikes coming out of his skin.

"Let's not forget Goggles." Goggles the cat had human eye balls.

"And how 'bout that Oscar?" Oscar sweat human sweat.

I woke up a bit terrified. I'm always a bit on edge when I know there's a cat around. Unless it's willing to forgo its feigned modesty and jump into my lap for a nap, I'm not willing to let go of the thought that this cat could possibly kill me. I've grossly underestimated this fear until my unconscious brain had me visualize them....with spikes.

Beware, humans. We don't know what they're thinking for a reason.

Where the Wild Things Are

My friend Isaac showed me this trailer today for "Where the Wild Things Are." And in a flash, my childhood came back to me.

Let's do some math:
Spike Jonze(director)+ Dave Eggers(screenplay)+ Tom Hanks(producer)+ James Gandolfini(voice)+ Jim Henson Creature Shop(monsters) = I'm excited.



*Not to mention the Arcade Fire song in the trailer....

Should I Be Offended?

The other night, I dreamed that I was dating Jim from The Office. Not Jonathan Krasinski the actor, but Jim from The Office.

It was possibly the best dream ever until he said, "I wish I could date someone with Pam's personality and your looks."

I remember thinking, "That's...not cool."

I woke up a little confused. On one hand, Jim from The Office just told me I was pretty. On the other hand, he told me I didn't have a desirable personality. And for that matter, he's saying Pam can be prettier. I think both of us should be offended.

I will continue to watch Jim with admiration but have resolved to hold him at arm's length.

Just Kick It

My future child will turn out just like this. Un-athletic and really frustrated with balls.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What Is This Twitter?

I just had the theory behind Twitter explained to me. I don't when Twitter got its start, but I do know that since that start, I've pretended that I knew what it was. People talk about new things all the time and I try my best to not keep up with it too much.

For about a year, I didn't know what podcasts were. People kept saying, "Check out my podcast," or "You can get this show on podcast." What in the world were they talking about? I nodded my head and gave them a knowing look, a shared understanding of what this technology was. I sincerely had no idea and couldn't really be bothered to ask someone.

Today, I took a stand and finally asked my friends, (on the internet no less) what the hell Twitter was. Twitter, as I've come to learn, works like a status bar on a Facebook page. You can update people, in 140 characters, some random tidbit of information that usually does not have a conclusion.

Intrigued as I was, I still didn't understand. That is, until Travis sent me the link to Christopher Walken's Twitter page. I'm not quite sure if this is the real Walken, or some clever person who's channeling his awesomeness. But this page has had my captivated since it was sent to me.

Thanks, Travis. I still don't get it. But I'm wanting to get it more. So thanks.

I Don't Roll on Shabbas

As I've mentioned before, part of my past time at work involves listening to other people's conversations. My favorite character has to be Rudy. Rudy is a very short, angry Jewish man that's better known in a previous blog for yelling, "Get off my letterhead!"

This morning I overheard Rudy yelling, "He's full of shit! That man is full of shit! I'm going to tell him so at Shabbas!"

Rudy is an efficient bad ass. Two birds, one stone. God and shit-talking.

Hertzfeldt Friday's

On Friday's, I tend to have little on my mind. So I've decided that Friday's will be the day that I post a different Don Hertzfeldt cartoon from his Rejected series.



Happy Friday. Everybody dance!

Vasovagal This.

Yes, that's right. The saga of Katie's Brain continues with another fun trip to the doctor. This time, for the test of all tests. The Tilt Table Test.

I was prepared for this test, with a warning that the goal for this test was to get me to pass out. In the most archaic of fashions, they were going to strap me to a table, tilt me to an almost standing position and stare at me until I passed out.

In one arm, I have an IV. On the other, a blood pressure cuff that every three minutes tightened. On one finger, a doo-wop that measures my heart rate. And splayed across any other available skin surface, were about twenty electroids all tangled with wires that led to a loud machine. I was Frankenstein.

The goal of passing out, was merely to monitor what exactly happens when I pass out. They want to see what my blood pressure does, what my heart is doing...and if any of these things are causing me to do the passing out in the first place. Everyone was incredibly nice, patient and helpful. If I hadn't been strapped to a table, I may have enjoyed my visit with these fine people.

Thirty minutes in, aside from feeling slightly warm and dizzy, nothing much is happening. They decide they're going to help it along. They tell me they're about to drop a tablet under my tongue that will dissolve and make my heart speed up and give me a headache. Even though someone is telling you what's about to happen, when it happens, it's absolutely terrifying. So my heart speeds up to a racing pace and I freak out. I start crying and the doctor starts apologizing, "I'm sorry I made you cry!" And I'm saying, "It's okay, I cry all the time. Don't worry..." And he keeps talking, trying to make light of the situation. I say, "Okay, shut up. I'm passing out."

Boom. Lights out.

It was the freakiest thing ever. Now, granted this was the goal. They were testing me to see how my body responds to these things and obviously, my body failed. Or won? It seemed odd to come-to and have them standing over me saying, "Great job. You passed the test." I passed the test? Meaning I failed. Awesome? "Congratualtions," they say, "You have Vasovagal Syncope." Cool. All this means is that I'm prone to losing conciousness from time to time. They say my heart and blood pressure were fine the whole time, so it's not caused my anything scary. This is the only comforting part in this situation. What is causing it, I don't know. Syncope, at its most basic, is a malfunction of your brain. Your brain can't tell your body to respond and dialate and collapse your blood vessels causing oxygen and blood to be cut off.

The cure? Nothing. There's literally nothing they can do. Unless it gets to the point where I'm passing out left and right, God forbid, there's no medication I can be put on. This is why people get pacemakers. Yet I'm not old, I'm a healthy young lass, which makes this all the more frustrating. So until something blaringly obvious is brought to the doctor's attention, they told me to keep eating right, drink lots of water and generally take care of myself.

The only comfort I get from this, is that I'm not dying. I've also decided that I'm just going to eat myself fat. Suck it, brain.

Mom Fears Dora Might Be Going Skank

I used to read cnn.com as a general, lazy way of keeping up with important headlines. Who passed what vote, what political pundit trashed the new President, what the latest scientific scare is... And occasionally, what alligator was found in the microwave, or what star was named after a missing pet dog.

Today, while I was scanning the headlines, one caught my eye. "Mom Fears Dora Might Be Going Skank." Of course I had to watch the video.



Okay. I understand how this could effect previous Dora-viewers and how it might seem confusing to six year olds that their beloved Dora has traded her box shape for shapely legs and longer hair. This is a negative transition because... it's an entirely different person. What I don't quite understand, is why this transition needs to take place. Hasn't Lisa Simpson worn the same dress for twenty years? I mean, how many times can she possibly repeat the sixth grade? Because like any good thing, it works because it hasn't changed.

While I'm not quite understanding the cartoon creator's vision of allowing Dora to change with its viewers, I don't quite agree with the mothers of the blogging community that this new vision is a horribly negative one. Isn't this simply a fact of growing up? They claim they want their daughters to stay as young as they can for as long as they can, but isn't that a little sick? Their kids have to grow up. Their appearance will change, their mind sets will change. And you bet your favorite Dora doll, that these kids will want nothing to do with Dora the Explorer when they realize there are better things to do. Like, oh, playing outside. Gaining knowledge and experience from their caring parents... you know, things like that.

What's ruffled my feathers a bit, is the notion that a thin female icon automatically translates into vanity, sex and general lasciviousness. Haven't we been told to accept the differences in other people, even on a physical level? That a shapely woman doesn't mean she's unhealthy, lazy or unattractive. How can it be said that a thin woman is viewed as oversexualized, vain and promiscuous? Dora grew hair? Somebody give her a condom!

I'll be the first person to admit that our society's viewpoint is oddly skewed when it comes to how a woman should look. Hell, how a person should look. It's not fair and it excludes over 75% of the human race. We're not perfect. No one has ever been perfect and it's a fact we should celebrate. But I have a huge problem with this idea that we can't embrace a cartoon character who's merely grown up. If we aren't wanting to allow this because of the message it's sending our children, what does it say about the parents who are protecting their kids by having them watch television in the first place? Why not plop them down in front of the 6:00 news and give them a real treat for their psyche?

More importantly, we are forgetting the one simple fact. Little girls will eventually stop watching a cartoon character repeat herself over and over again whilst swinging from vines with a talking back pack. Why? Because twelve year old girls only want to french kiss boys and try drugs out of their parents cabinets. All thanks to Dora; the skanky smack queen.