I'd Go See More Movies If I Didn't Hate People So Much

I just got back from seeing Burn After Reading. Instead of giving my review on what I thought of this movie, (which for the record, I was way into) I will instead continue with the following complaint about the human race.

I know everyone has to put up with other movie goers in every theater across the country. Yet it seems like New York draws in the most moronic film patrons from every back alley and under every mossy tree stump and allows them to enter for the price of a $12 ticket.

I sat through this movie trying to ignore the gentle but steady kicking in the back of my chair. I asked the persistent lad to stop and it didn't until the credits rolled. A girl on my row kept tapping her heels nervously and commenting loudly to her boyfriend who's shoving snacks in his mouth. Let's move on to popcorn. While I find this the tastiest movie viewing treat, I wish they would go ahead and invent silent popcorn. When people eat this, I can hear it from the opposite end of the theater. It's like National Geographic and they're Jaguars eating Zebras and I'm inside their mouths experiencing their gestation with them. I can't handle it.

There are cell phones opening and texting going on. There are people shifting. There's a homeless woman in the back row snoring. There are late teens who are kissing. And while I'm sure there's a way to ignore all of this and only pay attention to what's happening on screen, I just can't. I have acquired the name She-Wolf from Greg because of the ability to pick up on sounds and smells from far away. If only I could de-program my K-9 -like abilities for two hours to enjoy some cinema.

If people didn't ruin everything, then maybe I would.